Part 7: FC-18 (Postlouge)

Her eyelashes were beautiful …

I felt like an electron that reached its own orbit after emitting energy, an orbit I can be in forever or a coin that now settled at the bottom of a wish tank after changing hands all its life or like a dew drop that left the sky during a rattling storm but found the comforting solace of a glass blade in a remote landscape…

It took me a week to find the love that I searched for years.

Oh besides the fact that I am emotionally challenged and in grip of my own self-absorbing, reality-evading thoughts and mind boggling imagination … another fact is that life is much simpler then expected if we can look without the glass of perception…

Yes I can give all the gyan now because it all unfolded well for me …

She slept blissfully while I lay alongside, sleepless and mesmerized… looking at her …

I still don’t know how mom convinced Retired Major Mahinder Singh Shekhawat to give the hand of his daughter to a Punjabi-Iyenger guy he already hated. He hated me because it was me because of whom his daughter stalled marriage for so long. Every time I ask details, mom says that I can’t comprehend or understand… all I can do is to thank mom everyday for the rest of my life…

I evaluated the chances of waking her up if I kissed her eyes…

The never-ending assignment in Australia, the desperation to be back and get married, the long phone calls, the planning of honeymoon over a web-ex and a seven hour rajasthani wedding …

I kissed, I woke her up, she complained in her very sleepy voice “Go to sleep, tomorrow there is a status call at eight…” and she rolled over to bury her face in my shoulder…

I thanked mom from the bottom of my heart and drifted to sleep…


*** The End ***

Part 6:FC-18 (Chapter 5)

Problems are problems till we find bigger problems …

Come next week, I tried to keep everything BAU. BAU, Business as usual … uhh ... abbreviations make one sound smart. I guessed I picked this from my managers. Damn I need to be more choosy about my source of education..

Anyway I juggled the need to be at my desk and be with Anjali. Well, I am not the kind of guy who likes to tell people I am busy. Yes Anjali is special but I would be there for anyone… a chat on messenger, a break at food court, a conversation on phone … a broken code in office or an escort on the weekend… for me “I am busy” is a bad word …

As we went through my third coffee with Anjali, I saw Aarti from the corner of my eye. She had noticed me with Anjali previously that day and looked visibility upset at the site. I was perturbed by the thought of hurting her.

This time Anjali also noticed her and waved zestfully at her, obviously oblivious of my unspoken discomfort. I kept quiet.

“You know this is all wrong!” Anjali spoke to me with a sudden insight. “Look at Aarti, she successfully managed to stay away from marriage. Her parents insisted but somehow she convinced them that she will not marry for any reason other then love. And she hails from a conservative rajput family. I can’t even imagine the drama she must have braved.” She was excited to find her source of inspiration.

With what I heard, I could only let out a sigh in response.

As I walked out of the food courts, at the end of the stairs, Aarti called my name. As I turned back, she walked towards me and asked “Coffee?” I chuckled. ‘She just saw me having coffee with Anjali she can’t be serious’ I assumed. But Aarti was not smiling.

When we settled with the coffee, she broke the grave silence “Stop seeing Anjali she said” … “What!!” my mind yelled….”Stop hurting yourself” she repeated…

I blinked twice and glared. She was obviously aware of my feelings and was hurting with the fact that I was exposing myself to more hurt. I stared hard. She blushed. But she brought herself to speak her mind. “Listen, stop this. You are not this kind of a guy”. She meant the guy who could tolerate unwarranted pain. I understood. But I was decided to pretend ”Really! What kind of a guy I am?” I made her more mad at me. “Useless” she snapped in anger. And then felt sorry on her own outburst.

I was not sure if this was the right time to talk. But I knew that even if this was the wrong the time, there would not be any better one. “I am going to Australia. The production bug last weekend made the client ask for a resource at onsite for support”.

Her eyes looked like mine, in peace and shielding the voices of the head. She pain stabbed her hard and it took a lot of time to ask the only ask the one word question she could think of “When?” “By this weekend” I answered.

All events were falling into place in her mind. The obvious analysis for her was that to avoid the pain of witnessing Anjali with someone, I found a way to leave the country…

Things were falling in place …

****************************************

When I reached home I saw masi in the living room. Ahh, everyone refuses to admit but going to a foreign land is still a big deal, I thought. Masi probably came to congratulate mom and reassure her for company in my absence.

“So Cool! We always knew you would do your mother proud” She reacted on seeing me. While she probably was thinking, this useless boy is going to Australia just because he learned some computers while my hard working, well deserving kids got no such easy opportunity. He he he…

I smiled. “So you are all settled… good job, now overseas assignment, now you can get married…” My mom bit her lip, to prevent herself from chuckling. She knew how I hated this beaten conversation.

“I will marry very soon masi” Today I had a new answer. Mom looked at me with astonishment. “Oh so you found a nice Punjabi gal?” She teased. She also wanted to know if the gal was a Punjabi like my late father or a Iyenger Brahmin like mom.

“She is a Rajasthani. Oh I mean a Rajput.” Mom’s jaw dropped. She was not expecting this. Oh no not at all. “Who is it?” masi asked. Her stare now shifting to mom, she felt betrayed that her elder sister withheld facts from her on her only nephew’s wedding. But mom continued to stare at me.

She for better or for worse knew me inside out. But today she needed more explanation around what I was up to.

“Oh mom!” I thrusted a crumpled piece of paper in Mom’s hand. ”This is her Dad’s phone number can you please call him and ask if he will marry off his daughter to me.” I paused “And can you call him after a board the flight, he is retired from the army but still owns some firearms”. Mom burst out laughing.

It was not my sense of humor that tickled her but the relief of seeing me out of the pain and dilemma she saw me struggling with. Masi was still very confused and shooting questions to make sense of the situation. “What is her name?” she asked
`
“Aarti Shekhawat” I smiled.

Part 5: FC-18 (Chapter 4)

I went behind her and put my arms around. I lowered my head to rest my chin on her shoulder and pleaded “Please don’t leave me… Please don’t go”. She chuckled at the obvious and rare display of my affection, even though she was surprised by my outrageous demand.

Yes outrageous. Mom is a workaholic. I assume she is the best gynecologist in the city based on per her workload …. Her working on off days in wake of emergencies is a more common site then taking an off. Actually I don’t remember the last time when she stayed away from work…

she suddenly turned back…while I was engrossed in my thoughts and asked mocking at me” trouble at workplace or girl trouble…” “No trouble…” I was prompted to say as expected from my adult, all-in-control persona….

Wait a minute …As per the last status the girl I love in marrying someone she don’t want to marry and I am her shoulder to cry on. Another girl confesses “to the whole world” that she loves me, besides me.

Oops!! I hate these thoughts!! they caused enough delay for mom to get her answer. She teased ”Let me know which mandap to make it to and when. I wont like to miss your wedding even for a complex hysterectomy.” The last part was true … I chuckled at my scalpel-crazy mom.

It was obvious that she knows more than what I had told her and also that she does not take my troubles seriously. May be for a person not living the agony this was all very immature and dramatic

Yet, the blanket of fear engulfed me as I saw her leaving the house, I was very scared that voice of my head would drive me crazy on a lonely Saturday. Today was one of the rare juncture when a weekend with no plan seems to be a very bad idea.

She turned back at the door and tried to appease me with her words “You are too young to take this seriously. It will all sort itself out”. I wanted to reply “ yes I know it will all sort out, I just want to know where I will be at the end of it” but I kept silent and smiled.

As I closed the door behind her my mind started chalking the combat plan. How quickly and for how long can I sleep? Should I eat and then sleep so I don’t wake up around lunch time or should I sleep at the earliest without taking the risk of my mind loosing itself in its imagined maze? Phew…

My mobile rang. I dreaded that this would be Anjali. Her pain and agony was unfathomable but the biggest problem was that somehow her talks stopped me from making peace with my loosing her. More then her disinterest in the marriage, her need of my presence and approval kindled hope…

The phone was from office. There was production bug. The team member who called sounded like he was the last man drowning after the titanic had already sank. His message should have been recorded and used by the English professors to teach how to make a complex sentence using the words “shit” “screwed” and “dead” more them once.

When I reached office the work area at office had no resemblance with any other day. Today the air was heavy with stress. The palpitation and throbbing of the team members thoughts resonated all around. The whole team including boss was there. Root cause analysis, salvaging the situation, damage control, face saving, earliest restoration … such things were on mind …Honestly a morning gathering would have had more life…

All members were not in position to fix the issue, actually the real cause of the bug was still unknown but still each of them pretended to be the sincerest, most important, most impacted and most motivated in the room. As if the solemn aura they brought to the environment itself would find and resolve the issue.

Hey issue, by the way the issue was not meteor-showing, hurricane or earthquake… some values on our site got wiped out… Duh!! Real serious stuff… see dollar amount disappearing from a godforsaken website was not my idea of a crisis. I would love to tell the idiots using my site … all the weird issues it silently housed… huh!! Big deal if one came out in open… I have personally coded thousands of logic bloopers when I worked half asleep, disillusioned and at times plain disinterested…

While I though all this… I behaved like all. I talked little, frowned a lot. I generally stared my comp and in sudden outbursts typed prolifically on my keyboard. Heavy sighs and occasional murmurs of disappointed “oh shit!!” were fashioed to remind that I was still around and still trying.

The drama was somehow endearing today … may be because it saved me from myself.

Part 4:FC-18 (Chapter 3)

I love my job as a software engineer, not because its easy to get if you completed your engineering in any discipline, in any number of attempts from any, just any, college or because the pay is better then the most available options; I like it because I can be happy, ecstatic, crazy, cranky, dreamy, reflective, enthusiastic, indifferent, sad, devastated, hurt, jerk, confused, in love or out of love… my mood, on a good day, it is exposed only to my computer.

“Abhay Manchanda” boss called me. Oh ok so today is not a good day!

He had loads of complains with my work. I am not really aware of the details as while he professed the code of conduct of the work place I was distracted on the motivation of him choosing to adorn a bight red full sleeved t-shirt on his dark, short body cursed with extra fat. I was both amused and absorbed by my thoughts, which I deemed to be more important then his.

I returned to the lonely confines of my cubicle which I shared with four more team members. I checked the mails hoping to find some interesting forward. Just then Aarti came in silently and sat at my desk, next to my monitor. “Hey you” I smiled unable to conceal my surprise. She smiled wearily as her eyes kept looking for the hurt, she knew, existed.

“Today forgot my wallet and now I am starving, so come buy me breakfast” she lied and jumped off the desk. She started walking, giving me no option but to follow to the FC.

It was obvious that she observed me too closely all these days and was aware of my feelings and heart break. She was worried about me. Now I knew why but couldn’t tell her how much better I was after she showed me the unabashed disloyalty of my heart. I so wanted to talk to take away the tension caused by the flurry of questions on her mind. After few failed awkward efforts from my part to start a conversation, she took up that task. We talked long, about everything except the gang and Anjali. She cracked up at my description of my bull-inviting boss … hehehe

Normalcy prevailed. I was really happy at returning the favor of helping me out by pacifying her doubts on my state of mind. Obviously on my return to my desk, my boss was exasperated. I was, for him, the little stubborn boy with wall around me, through which he could not reach and put anything in my head. And since the little boy was not so little … his frustration was justified just like my unreasoned but feel-good rebellion to his authority.

I decided not to push my luck today and settled to work.

The phone rang just then. “I need to talk. Come to FC” it was Anjali. She sounded weird. I darted back to the FC, almost running unmindful of my boss by now.

When I saw her, all my fears of facing her vanished. They were displaced by a deep sense of concern. She looked pale and in a lot of pain.

“How are you?” I asked. She broke into tears in response to my question, inconsolable tears. Shit. This was totally unexpected. I panicked. I had no clue what to say to do, what to say. I looked around; others at the food court were staring at us. “Anjali, control yourself” I pleaded in the lack of more sensitive words.

She tried her best. But the pain and frustration was too much. She did not want to marry. She simply hated the guy. “He is gross. He burps so loudly even at a crowded restaurant. He is manner less. He puts his feet up on the seat in front in a movie theatre. In all public places he shoves and pushes and preaches me to do the same. He bargains at all shops…” her complains were many; though not all seem serious but it was obvious that she had little respect or love for the man her family chose for her.

As I patiently heard her pain and agreed with her in the hope to pacify her, the voices in my heads soared to a new high, my feelings slipped into a new muddle of confusion and I dreaded to evaluate this new turn of events, in the light of my own emotions.

Part 3: FC-18 (Chapter 2)

My throbbing hurt had left my mind, my heart and my thoughts spinning.

As I got down from the office bus I realized that God had been kind to me for the first time in the day. It was still raining. My eyes started raining too. Damn. I took the alley in the direction opposite to my home, as I knew my eyes were not stopping anytime soon.

Anjali announced to the entire gang she was getting married. I missed the part to whom and when. My brain crashed at the first sentence itself. The all absorbing plight and anguish engulfed me.

I continued walking and crying thinking of the wonderful life. I was crazy about her. She was the coolest girl I ever met. I was mad about everything … her spontaneity, her crazy blabber and even her mood swings.

Of coarse, her thoughts made me cry more; probably I just wanted to cry away her memories. But her memories were neither few nor frivolous to be washed by small drops of salty water.

Tired of crying I moved towards home, now my thoughts were more on how to dodge Mom’s question and her insistence for dinner. My hunger had extinguished long back. I planned to somehow reach my room at the earliest and cry myself to sleep.

Mom probably knew about the state of my heart and she surprisingly provided no obstruction on my way to the room.

Back in the solitary confines of my room, I emptied the contest of this soaked pockets, including my now useless mobile. My instrument of love has no chances to revive after today, like my love.

Love. Shit, tears ran down my eyes again. I wanted to glorify my pain by calling it what it was not. There was no love. I was crazy about from almost from the time a met her. But scared of loosing her by confessing my true feelings, I hid behind the charade of a friend to be and stay close to her.

Random thoughts of pain and anger passed through my head. From accusing my coward self to bring upon this inevitable pain on me to the angry resolutions to move out of the gang forever … reeled in my head. I was almost afraid to go to the office, lest I face her and loose control over my emotions…

I used the most obvious excuse available at workplace …. I told them I was busy with work and stopped the snack breaks. It was killing. It seemed that I was abstaining from life. I secretly wished someone will catch my bluff and uncover my hurt. But it never happened …uhhh actually it has been just three days ….Thursday of the same week when my world shattered …too little time for them to miss me…even though my longing for the old routine was severe.


As I walked towards the parking, all absorbed in my thoughts... Ajay called my name. He ran to join me and slapped my back in an endearing gesture. “What man you also starting working??” he commented with a short laugh. “yeah! Build end date is this weekend” I replied apologetically to the accusation of working. “Oh! Back to normal next week” he wanted to confirm…

“May be!! Hope so!!” I spoke with a clue of tentativeness in my voice. I was afraid to give him any false hope. I was not ready to join the gang and face Anjali anytime soon. “Evening snacks are not same without you. Anjali is all distracted and Aarti would not even consider coming if you are missing from the gang.” He continued.

Anjali is distracted. I hope happy distracted. Marriage is a big decision. May be she is talking to him on phone all the time.

Ahhh!!! I have this amazing ability to stab my own heart with the sting of my own thoughts…

Wait!! What Aarti would not come for the snack breaks if I am not there… I, first time proactively conversed with Ajay to confirm if I got it right. “Hey as if you donn know!! She has a crush on you. The whole world knows” he confirmed. Wow!! The whole world knows… guess that would be the whole world minus one…I had no clue

Aarti was a short, slim and dusky introvert girl, who spoke seldom. Actually she spoke seldom in the group, but as I could recall now, she chatted blatantly when only both of us went to the FC. Her lost look, her smiles, her chatting with me on intranet messenger all seemed to have morphed in a different meaning now.

As I lay in my bed, looking at the fan… which was the witness of my three nights of tears and turmoils… I was shocked my disloyalty … from the conversation with Ajay all my thoughts revolved around Aarti, as I tried to come in terms of this rather encouraging gossip that she had a crush on me.

My pain and despair were clouded by the fluttery hope of myself becoming someone’s love interest.

Part 2: FC-18 (Chapter 1)

“Crap!!” escaped my lips when my bike's stand hit my shin.
I turned back my head to see if mom was close enough to hear me. No, she was opening the main gate for me at the end of the driveway.

As I rolled out of the house I smiled. This was a usual morning. After too much snoozing I got up late. I had some ironed cloths but no proper shirt trouser combination. I used all my creativity to come up with an acceptable business formal from the options I had. I bit my tongue while eating the breakfast and I am starting from home when I should ideally be in office…. Hehehe .. the usual morning. And yes my shin still hurts.

I will be late again for the status meeting. I hate them. I think the only reason for an early morning meeting is to ensure that everyone is in office by a certain time. And evening status calls are to tell everyone that there is still too much work left and how the workday was not productive enough. And all afternoon status calls are because the boss does not have enough work to keep him occupied. Hehehehe

I received a mail which questioned me on yesterday’s attendance. Probably my security batch is not registering properly on swipe machine. But yesterday? Come on man!! She wore the emerald green kurta … I would have not missed that for a world.

“Abhay” boss called me after the meeting. He again questioned me being late to the office. “Traffic” I said with an innocent smile. This is what I like about Bangalore, I don’t even have to fish for a new excuse everyday. Of coarse, this explanation did not suffice and of coarse, I do not care…

As I settled to pretend working, Anjali called. She needed company for breakfast. I almost chuckled as I imagined boss's expressions if he saw me left my desk soon after his heart felt be-at-office-on-time conversation.

Anjali took forever to decide the dosa wanted to eat. You know why because she is trying to loose weight…what Crap!! Yes she looked plump in the western formals today and her cheeks a little more fuller … I smiled ... She looked cute. She need not sweat about this, I still l… ummm

She was pissed off for some reason. Well I know this because she was not making any eye contact with me. This was an obvious body language sign that she wanted to be left alone. Like a dutiful friend I sat in front of her drinking my coffee and not uttering a word, lest I offend her; though I stole a few glances of her troubled face. Must be work, I lied to myself.

As we were walking out of the food court, Aarti came out of nowhere. She was all smiles to see us, happy at the prospect of finding company for breakfast. Anjali returned to her desk as she had a meeting while I stayed back with Aarti. She was happy; the day seemed to be working for her. In fact, she talked and talked and talked, I never thought she was capable of talking so much. I smiled and acknowledged her words; this is what I usually do the best.

By the time I returned to my desk, it was obvious that Anjali’s mood had rubbed on me. I impatiently waited for the four o’clock snack break as I was sure time spent with the whole gang would definitely cheer her up.

To my disappointment Anjali gave the evening break a miss. Out of the many events in the day what stayed in front of my eyes was her grim face and what stayed in my ears was her sober voice.

A long, snail paced ride back home, a quiet dinner with mom and endless sleepless hours in bed followed… I stared at the moving fan. I hate to confess this was really a usual day…Anjali has been really off lately, unknowingly setting my life on a grim path

As I lay in bed with Anjali’s mood, too scared to reflect on real world I started imagining stories…

Yes I am an introvert because my head speaks. I spin stories in my head. My imaginary characters speak and behave and respond, they keep me company all the time. At times they are a reflection of my frame of mind and at other times they cheer me up. I don’t know the significance of these stories except that they are my companion.

As my hero sank in the comforting arms of his beloved, the warmth of my romantic imagination soothed me and drew me to sleep with an unsaid prayer on my lips ‘Let tomorrow be unusual’.

Part 1: FC-18 (Prologue)

I don’t know if any body thinks like me…

I come to office only for the traditional three thirty tea break. It’s embarrassing even to confess, even to myself. I am this mature adult 25-year old, who should think about life and money and responsibilities and all such big terms … but my life is defined by a tea/snack break

Even in school I loved the intervals more then my classes but that was general apathy towards studies…this is different…

We have many food courts that serve many cuisines within the office premises; after all I work at one of the biggest IT companies at Bangalore. It is one of the employee friendly arrangements at work…

Our three thirty break is always delayed as one or the other run into some undefined urgent work and seeks a delay of five mins. These five minutes are never five minutes but much more. We work in different projects and different building, the workload is also way different and so is our sincerity towards it. Abhi is usually the most anxious to get the group moving and is most irritated at the phrase ‘just 5 more mins’. Probably he being his efficient self thinks it to be yet another task he should get over with… Me? Oh! I savor it…

Everyone has their own reasons for this break, like Anandi joins us only to stay in our group. What is special about us? Nothing. Just that she is not a charmer and can’t make many friends and want to hold on to even a bunch of PJ cracking idiots, who only came to know each other by the virtue of their names. Ah!! actually by virtue of a brain wave our parents had while naming us…Yuck!! And Yup, we belong to the same training batch.

Ajay and Avi are loitering behind, hoping I will run out of patience and join the coupon queue…then Ajay can come from the side and say …”Long Queue Man, get me a tea and Dosa” and will rather loudly ask Avi if he needs anything … just to prove they are not partners in the crime…

Atul has joined the queue, he is above such petty issues. He has bigger responsibilities on his shoulders. He has to find a wife and that too from the girls eating here, here in the food court located in building 18. He earnestly stares at each and every female dining here. As if his penetrating eyes will impress a girl and his X-Ray vision find his true love… Of coarse he is standing behind a white kurta clad gorgeous girl and at this very movement he is the happiest soul in this FC…

The drama unfolds as usual and as usual I stare without blinking at the stairs leading to the food court ... Ha!! Green again… she is wearing the green kurta… my heart skip couple of beats as she come running….Anjali is late again… She looks around for the usual faces… Of coarse she missed me ...locating Ajay, Avi and Anandi she joins them on the table… she forgot to order again. She probably asks for other when she is pointed in the direction of the queue where Anandi, Abhi and I stand… me with anandi and Abhi behind the angel in white….

I wait for our eyes to meet and when they do…I raise my eyebrows to ask what she wants… she folds all fingers except her thumb and move her thumbs-up fist to her mouth.. she wants the usual, a Pepsi

The Game of Life

She stepped out of her car and smoothed her dressed nervously. She looked around at a very full parking lot, and her head screamed “IT’S SUICIDE. DON’T DO IT”.

She had no reason to be at this school reunion. This was an event to unabashed show off personal and professional success and she could boast of neither. She was not a ‘successful’ person. She had a modest job, and her biggest failure according to her mother was that she was still single.

She pulled in her stomach to make her less then perfect figure look better; she seriously intended to hold her breath that way for the rest of the party. As she entered the crowded hall full of men, women and children while walking on those uncomfortable and high heeled shoes, her inner voice protested one last time “Don’t put yourself through this, you don’t have to”.

What she faced for next three hours were stories of professional and financial success, the dazzle of the diamond rings, sagas of loving children and fables of perfect marriages. Her classmates with whom she spent her childhood were changed people, they spoke only establish their achievements and outshine each other; as if they were serious competitors in the game called life. They talked about their busy schedules, gym routines for perfect bodies, favorite cars, foreign vacations, perfect house, prodigy kids and some even of well bred pets.

She was disturbed by the fact that she had no stories to share. She could not ignore the look of compassion she got, when she disclosed she taught at a school and was still single; or the look of arrogance that was thrown at her, when they realized of that they had beaten her in the game.

She let out a loud sigh of relief when she retuned to her car. The lonely interiors of her second hand car never seemed so warm and soothing. As she held the steering she noticed there was some yellow paint in the engravings of her ring. Today she taught her class of autistic children how to paint Sun. She smiled as she recalled those smiling faces, most with paint on them. The grey clouds of thought lifted, she realized her game of life was a little different and she was definitely winning it.

Bad Times?

Today was different.

When she entered her house, it was still evening. She could hear the children play at the garden behind her apartment, which was different then the usual silence of the night. Though her head felt heavy, her arms did not; today she was not carrying her laptop.

Today, she also got fired.

She sank in the sofa as soon as she entered. This was the day she dreaded since the day news of global recession started translating to people around her, loosing jobs. To avoid it, she worked like a slave, toiling day and night. Not to mention the raw deal she took from many to hang-in there, yes this was the expression she used to calm her overworked and stressed nerves.And today the rope to hang in snapped.

But things were not as she expected. No one held her responsible for her losing the job, people around her did not stop to glare at her. And the earth did not stop spinning.

She had no plan for tomorrow. She had no time to set her alarm for. She would have to account for her savings and plan for future. But still what disturbed her the most, was that when she looked back she could not account for her last year.

She wondered what the bad times really were…