My throbbing hurt had left my mind, my heart and my thoughts spinning.
As I got down from the office bus I realized that God had been kind to me for the first time in the day. It was still raining. My eyes started raining too. Damn. I took the alley in the direction opposite to my home, as I knew my eyes were not stopping anytime soon.
Anjali announced to the entire gang she was getting married. I missed the part to whom and when. My brain crashed at the first sentence itself. The all absorbing plight and anguish engulfed me.
I continued walking and crying thinking of the wonderful life. I was crazy about her. She was the coolest girl I ever met. I was mad about everything … her spontaneity, her crazy blabber and even her mood swings.
Of coarse, her thoughts made me cry more; probably I just wanted to cry away her memories. But her memories were neither few nor frivolous to be washed by small drops of salty water.
Tired of crying I moved towards home, now my thoughts were more on how to dodge Mom’s question and her insistence for dinner. My hunger had extinguished long back. I planned to somehow reach my room at the earliest and cry myself to sleep.
Mom probably knew about the state of my heart and she surprisingly provided no obstruction on my way to the room.
Back in the solitary confines of my room, I emptied the contest of this soaked pockets, including my now useless mobile. My instrument of love has no chances to revive after today, like my love.
Love. Shit, tears ran down my eyes again. I wanted to glorify my pain by calling it what it was not. There was no love. I was crazy about from almost from the time a met her. But scared of loosing her by confessing my true feelings, I hid behind the charade of a friend to be and stay close to her.
Random thoughts of pain and anger passed through my head. From accusing my coward self to bring upon this inevitable pain on me to the angry resolutions to move out of the gang forever … reeled in my head. I was almost afraid to go to the office, lest I face her and loose control over my emotions…
I used the most obvious excuse available at workplace …. I told them I was busy with work and stopped the snack breaks. It was killing. It seemed that I was abstaining from life. I secretly wished someone will catch my bluff and uncover my hurt. But it never happened …uhhh actually it has been just three days ….Thursday of the same week when my world shattered …too little time for them to miss me…even though my longing for the old routine was severe.
As I walked towards the parking, all absorbed in my thoughts... Ajay called my name. He ran to join me and slapped my back in an endearing gesture. “What man you also starting working??” he commented with a short laugh. “yeah! Build end date is this weekend” I replied apologetically to the accusation of working. “Oh! Back to normal next week” he wanted to confirm…
“May be!! Hope so!!” I spoke with a clue of tentativeness in my voice. I was afraid to give him any false hope. I was not ready to join the gang and face Anjali anytime soon. “Evening snacks are not same without you. Anjali is all distracted and Aarti would not even consider coming if you are missing from the gang.” He continued.
Anjali is distracted. I hope happy distracted. Marriage is a big decision. May be she is talking to him on phone all the time.
Ahhh!!! I have this amazing ability to stab my own heart with the sting of my own thoughts…
Wait!! What Aarti would not come for the snack breaks if I am not there… I, first time proactively conversed with Ajay to confirm if I got it right. “Hey as if you donn know!! She has a crush on you. The whole world knows” he confirmed. Wow!! The whole world knows… guess that would be the whole world minus one…I had no clue
Aarti was a short, slim and dusky introvert girl, who spoke seldom. Actually she spoke seldom in the group, but as I could recall now, she chatted blatantly when only both of us went to the FC. Her lost look, her smiles, her chatting with me on intranet messenger all seemed to have morphed in a different meaning now.
As I lay in my bed, looking at the fan… which was the witness of my three nights of tears and turmoils… I was shocked my disloyalty … from the conversation with Ajay all my thoughts revolved around Aarti, as I tried to come in terms of this rather encouraging gossip that she had a crush on me.
My pain and despair were clouded by the fluttery hope of myself becoming someone’s love interest.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Part 2: FC-18 (Chapter 1)
“Crap!!” escaped my lips when my bike's stand hit my shin.
I turned back my head to see if mom was close enough to hear me. No, she was opening the main gate for me at the end of the driveway.
As I rolled out of the house I smiled. This was a usual morning. After too much snoozing I got up late. I had some ironed cloths but no proper shirt trouser combination. I used all my creativity to come up with an acceptable business formal from the options I had. I bit my tongue while eating the breakfast and I am starting from home when I should ideally be in office…. Hehehe .. the usual morning. And yes my shin still hurts.
I will be late again for the status meeting. I hate them. I think the only reason for an early morning meeting is to ensure that everyone is in office by a certain time. And evening status calls are to tell everyone that there is still too much work left and how the workday was not productive enough. And all afternoon status calls are because the boss does not have enough work to keep him occupied. Hehehehe
I received a mail which questioned me on yesterday’s attendance. Probably my security batch is not registering properly on swipe machine. But yesterday? Come on man!! She wore the emerald green kurta … I would have not missed that for a world.
“Abhay” boss called me after the meeting. He again questioned me being late to the office. “Traffic” I said with an innocent smile. This is what I like about Bangalore, I don’t even have to fish for a new excuse everyday. Of coarse, this explanation did not suffice and of coarse, I do not care…
As I settled to pretend working, Anjali called. She needed company for breakfast. I almost chuckled as I imagined boss's expressions if he saw me left my desk soon after his heart felt be-at-office-on-time conversation.
Anjali took forever to decide the dosa wanted to eat. You know why because she is trying to loose weight…what Crap!! Yes she looked plump in the western formals today and her cheeks a little more fuller … I smiled ... She looked cute. She need not sweat about this, I still l… ummm
She was pissed off for some reason. Well I know this because she was not making any eye contact with me. This was an obvious body language sign that she wanted to be left alone. Like a dutiful friend I sat in front of her drinking my coffee and not uttering a word, lest I offend her; though I stole a few glances of her troubled face. Must be work, I lied to myself.
As we were walking out of the food court, Aarti came out of nowhere. She was all smiles to see us, happy at the prospect of finding company for breakfast. Anjali returned to her desk as she had a meeting while I stayed back with Aarti. She was happy; the day seemed to be working for her. In fact, she talked and talked and talked, I never thought she was capable of talking so much. I smiled and acknowledged her words; this is what I usually do the best.
By the time I returned to my desk, it was obvious that Anjali’s mood had rubbed on me. I impatiently waited for the four o’clock snack break as I was sure time spent with the whole gang would definitely cheer her up.
To my disappointment Anjali gave the evening break a miss. Out of the many events in the day what stayed in front of my eyes was her grim face and what stayed in my ears was her sober voice.
A long, snail paced ride back home, a quiet dinner with mom and endless sleepless hours in bed followed… I stared at the moving fan. I hate to confess this was really a usual day…Anjali has been really off lately, unknowingly setting my life on a grim path
As I lay in bed with Anjali’s mood, too scared to reflect on real world I started imagining stories…
Yes I am an introvert because my head speaks. I spin stories in my head. My imaginary characters speak and behave and respond, they keep me company all the time. At times they are a reflection of my frame of mind and at other times they cheer me up. I don’t know the significance of these stories except that they are my companion.
As my hero sank in the comforting arms of his beloved, the warmth of my romantic imagination soothed me and drew me to sleep with an unsaid prayer on my lips ‘Let tomorrow be unusual’.
I turned back my head to see if mom was close enough to hear me. No, she was opening the main gate for me at the end of the driveway.
As I rolled out of the house I smiled. This was a usual morning. After too much snoozing I got up late. I had some ironed cloths but no proper shirt trouser combination. I used all my creativity to come up with an acceptable business formal from the options I had. I bit my tongue while eating the breakfast and I am starting from home when I should ideally be in office…. Hehehe .. the usual morning. And yes my shin still hurts.
I will be late again for the status meeting. I hate them. I think the only reason for an early morning meeting is to ensure that everyone is in office by a certain time. And evening status calls are to tell everyone that there is still too much work left and how the workday was not productive enough. And all afternoon status calls are because the boss does not have enough work to keep him occupied. Hehehehe
I received a mail which questioned me on yesterday’s attendance. Probably my security batch is not registering properly on swipe machine. But yesterday? Come on man!! She wore the emerald green kurta … I would have not missed that for a world.
“Abhay” boss called me after the meeting. He again questioned me being late to the office. “Traffic” I said with an innocent smile. This is what I like about Bangalore, I don’t even have to fish for a new excuse everyday. Of coarse, this explanation did not suffice and of coarse, I do not care…
As I settled to pretend working, Anjali called. She needed company for breakfast. I almost chuckled as I imagined boss's expressions if he saw me left my desk soon after his heart felt be-at-office-on-time conversation.
Anjali took forever to decide the dosa wanted to eat. You know why because she is trying to loose weight…what Crap!! Yes she looked plump in the western formals today and her cheeks a little more fuller … I smiled ... She looked cute. She need not sweat about this, I still l… ummm
She was pissed off for some reason. Well I know this because she was not making any eye contact with me. This was an obvious body language sign that she wanted to be left alone. Like a dutiful friend I sat in front of her drinking my coffee and not uttering a word, lest I offend her; though I stole a few glances of her troubled face. Must be work, I lied to myself.
As we were walking out of the food court, Aarti came out of nowhere. She was all smiles to see us, happy at the prospect of finding company for breakfast. Anjali returned to her desk as she had a meeting while I stayed back with Aarti. She was happy; the day seemed to be working for her. In fact, she talked and talked and talked, I never thought she was capable of talking so much. I smiled and acknowledged her words; this is what I usually do the best.
By the time I returned to my desk, it was obvious that Anjali’s mood had rubbed on me. I impatiently waited for the four o’clock snack break as I was sure time spent with the whole gang would definitely cheer her up.
To my disappointment Anjali gave the evening break a miss. Out of the many events in the day what stayed in front of my eyes was her grim face and what stayed in my ears was her sober voice.
A long, snail paced ride back home, a quiet dinner with mom and endless sleepless hours in bed followed… I stared at the moving fan. I hate to confess this was really a usual day…Anjali has been really off lately, unknowingly setting my life on a grim path
As I lay in bed with Anjali’s mood, too scared to reflect on real world I started imagining stories…
Yes I am an introvert because my head speaks. I spin stories in my head. My imaginary characters speak and behave and respond, they keep me company all the time. At times they are a reflection of my frame of mind and at other times they cheer me up. I don’t know the significance of these stories except that they are my companion.
As my hero sank in the comforting arms of his beloved, the warmth of my romantic imagination soothed me and drew me to sleep with an unsaid prayer on my lips ‘Let tomorrow be unusual’.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Part 1: FC-18 (Prologue)
I don’t know if any body thinks like me…
I come to office only for the traditional three thirty tea break. It’s embarrassing even to confess, even to myself. I am this mature adult 25-year old, who should think about life and money and responsibilities and all such big terms … but my life is defined by a tea/snack break
Even in school I loved the intervals more then my classes but that was general apathy towards studies…this is different…
We have many food courts that serve many cuisines within the office premises; after all I work at one of the biggest IT companies at Bangalore. It is one of the employee friendly arrangements at work…
Our three thirty break is always delayed as one or the other run into some undefined urgent work and seeks a delay of five mins. These five minutes are never five minutes but much more. We work in different projects and different building, the workload is also way different and so is our sincerity towards it. Abhi is usually the most anxious to get the group moving and is most irritated at the phrase ‘just 5 more mins’. Probably he being his efficient self thinks it to be yet another task he should get over with… Me? Oh! I savor it…
Everyone has their own reasons for this break, like Anandi joins us only to stay in our group. What is special about us? Nothing. Just that she is not a charmer and can’t make many friends and want to hold on to even a bunch of PJ cracking idiots, who only came to know each other by the virtue of their names. Ah!! actually by virtue of a brain wave our parents had while naming us…Yuck!! And Yup, we belong to the same training batch.
Ajay and Avi are loitering behind, hoping I will run out of patience and join the coupon queue…then Ajay can come from the side and say …”Long Queue Man, get me a tea and Dosa” and will rather loudly ask Avi if he needs anything … just to prove they are not partners in the crime…
Atul has joined the queue, he is above such petty issues. He has bigger responsibilities on his shoulders. He has to find a wife and that too from the girls eating here, here in the food court located in building 18. He earnestly stares at each and every female dining here. As if his penetrating eyes will impress a girl and his X-Ray vision find his true love… Of coarse he is standing behind a white kurta clad gorgeous girl and at this very movement he is the happiest soul in this FC…
The drama unfolds as usual and as usual I stare without blinking at the stairs leading to the food court ... Ha!! Green again… she is wearing the green kurta… my heart skip couple of beats as she come running….Anjali is late again… She looks around for the usual faces… Of coarse she missed me ...locating Ajay, Avi and Anandi she joins them on the table… she forgot to order again. She probably asks for other when she is pointed in the direction of the queue where Anandi, Abhi and I stand… me with anandi and Abhi behind the angel in white….
I wait for our eyes to meet and when they do…I raise my eyebrows to ask what she wants… she folds all fingers except her thumb and move her thumbs-up fist to her mouth.. she wants the usual, a Pepsi
I come to office only for the traditional three thirty tea break. It’s embarrassing even to confess, even to myself. I am this mature adult 25-year old, who should think about life and money and responsibilities and all such big terms … but my life is defined by a tea/snack break
Even in school I loved the intervals more then my classes but that was general apathy towards studies…this is different…
We have many food courts that serve many cuisines within the office premises; after all I work at one of the biggest IT companies at Bangalore. It is one of the employee friendly arrangements at work…
Our three thirty break is always delayed as one or the other run into some undefined urgent work and seeks a delay of five mins. These five minutes are never five minutes but much more. We work in different projects and different building, the workload is also way different and so is our sincerity towards it. Abhi is usually the most anxious to get the group moving and is most irritated at the phrase ‘just 5 more mins’. Probably he being his efficient self thinks it to be yet another task he should get over with… Me? Oh! I savor it…
Everyone has their own reasons for this break, like Anandi joins us only to stay in our group. What is special about us? Nothing. Just that she is not a charmer and can’t make many friends and want to hold on to even a bunch of PJ cracking idiots, who only came to know each other by the virtue of their names. Ah!! actually by virtue of a brain wave our parents had while naming us…Yuck!! And Yup, we belong to the same training batch.
Ajay and Avi are loitering behind, hoping I will run out of patience and join the coupon queue…then Ajay can come from the side and say …”Long Queue Man, get me a tea and Dosa” and will rather loudly ask Avi if he needs anything … just to prove they are not partners in the crime…
Atul has joined the queue, he is above such petty issues. He has bigger responsibilities on his shoulders. He has to find a wife and that too from the girls eating here, here in the food court located in building 18. He earnestly stares at each and every female dining here. As if his penetrating eyes will impress a girl and his X-Ray vision find his true love… Of coarse he is standing behind a white kurta clad gorgeous girl and at this very movement he is the happiest soul in this FC…
The drama unfolds as usual and as usual I stare without blinking at the stairs leading to the food court ... Ha!! Green again… she is wearing the green kurta… my heart skip couple of beats as she come running….Anjali is late again… She looks around for the usual faces… Of coarse she missed me ...locating Ajay, Avi and Anandi she joins them on the table… she forgot to order again. She probably asks for other when she is pointed in the direction of the queue where Anandi, Abhi and I stand… me with anandi and Abhi behind the angel in white….
I wait for our eyes to meet and when they do…I raise my eyebrows to ask what she wants… she folds all fingers except her thumb and move her thumbs-up fist to her mouth.. she wants the usual, a Pepsi
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